im on a roll

well as i sit here in front of my computer like i do on most nights i feel the need to write stuff down and i dont know why
where to begin, the new year has started off kinda slow and idk what to make of it?
i guess its good that its been uneventful considering where i was about this time last year. i have come a long way and at the same time ive taken so many steps back.
i have learned a bit more self control and how to say no to something that could potentially be the wrong thing for me, but i really havent done much with my life besides go to school. I havent met any of my plans: such as move out, get a job, or become self reliant.
Now i can see that ive made some progress, but it still isnt what i want. Hopefully this year i can do more for myself and get some of the things i need done.

On another note, i feel really confident about the movies that are coming out soon(as you know im a bit of a movie enthusiast) because although some may be remakes of older versions and some originals, they seem to be promising. Both in quality and that movie nuance. Non the less i am excited for plenty of titles to come out and i dont think i can wait for some.
They should really start paying me to go to the movies as much as i go, seriously.

Also i think this year im going to start changing up my style just to break things up. New year, new me. Well maybe not completely change it, but lets say add a little more class and sophistication to it, i guess haha

im tired of ranting for tonight, until the next time....whenever that might be

Lighten the Mood

Fear

there are many things in the world that people are afraid of and there are things that people fear!
being afraid of something means that you are aware of what it is and why it makes you afraid of it, but to fear something is completely different.
it is that feeling there is something waiting for you around that dark corner, the unexpected noise in the middle of the night, or the thought of waking up and not knowing where you are.

I have this idea for the scariest movie ever, but i really want to understand fear in its most basic and primal essence. Im not talking about going to some haunted house or reading stories of monsters. What i am looking for is that gut wrenching fear that grabs a hold of a person that stops them in their tracks with no explanation or reason. That fear that stops all brain activity so that you focus in on the most basic thoughts.
I dont want this to be a grotesque movie that scares the audience by disgusting them, or creating some scenario where a demonic presence that remains unseen terrifies people, or were a weapon wielding psycho kills a bunch of hot teens.
I want to make a movie that psychologically scares the auidence to the point were they will leave the theater in fear of something that cant be simply explained or forgotten. I want to grab each person that watches this movie and have them tremble at the thought of being scared because they will truely know what fear is.
This might be hard to grasp because throughout history scary movies have a bad guy or something that represents a bad thing. I dont want to be typical or trivial.
I want this to be raw and original, primal even. Take the most basic definition of fear and use that to incite that fear upon my viewers.

Now you may ask how i plan on making such a film. Well to answer that simply, idk? I will say that i will find a way because if its one thing i want to do, thats to make a movie that will change the game. I dont my movie to be looked at as some horror film because it might not even be one. It will be merely a look into the inner realm of the mind that most people tend to hide from and not let their mind delve into.
I dare you to let your mind wander into that dark void and see what you can find there. You might just find out that you may have a very dark side...

poetry

so most of you didnt know that i took poetry this semester and that im actually
a pretty great poet. well i did take it and i am a pretty good poet.
i started off the semester thinking that it was gonna be all rhyming and shit
but it actually turned out to be a lot different
i learned how to actually write poetry and not just random shit that kinda
might sound like poetry. i had some fun in this class and i think it
will help me in my writings. it helped me unlock some of my creative
whatever you want to call them, but i feel like i dont have to try as hard
to come up with something that sounds creative.
i recommend this class to you people, not as like a mandatory class, but rather
just a class to take because it not only helps you become a better writer.
It can also help you get a better understanding of yourself. I still dont really
get poetry and how to analyze them, but i know i can write them

truth is inevitable, the fun is in the discovery otherwise we have only found a fact
of life instead of a moment to tie to an emotion

wow

that last post was pretty intense and im pertty sure i meant all of
it, but there is still a part of me that wants to be a badass
i guess its the constant struggle, do you follow the path of the
asshole who does awesome shit or do you tie yourself down with a
pretty girl and have the time of your lives?
idk how i feel about this and i will have plenty of time
i mean come on, i just started my 20s!!
this is some intense shit here people
ohh well, i hope i meet a girl that good for me, and a few others
along the way to make that last one just that much more special

ps. i am a BADASS

yea i already know

im not the most attractive muthafucka out there and i am by no means
the worst looking one either, i would consider myself in the upper medium
of the medium...i know it doesnt make sense but fuck it
so with that, i really do find it hard to even get a girl to talk to me
sure i dress like im in high school, wait i dont dress like a pretentious
douchebag...well i dont have the latest fashion expertise and i dont really
have that good of game to be honest. i get so nervous around girls its stupid
i have also come to the realization that no one really likes me when they first
meet me, but afterwards people love me
for once in my life i wish girls would walk up to me and want to talk
im not saying they have to do all the work, ask me out on a date, or even take
control...i just want a pretty girl to be interested enough in me to randomly
walk up to me and say hi at least. i feel that pretty girls are put up so
high that they cant come back down to the level of normal people...im not trying
to say they are stuck up cause its not their fault. all these pretty girls have
these guys after them all the time, constantly hitting on them and saying nice
things that if you were to ever participate in the same, that you would seem like
every other guy that likes that girl. if you dont meet that girls standards then
you are out of luck because there are like a dozen other guys to fill your spot.
i wish girls would take control and tell guys that they like them, its happened to
me so many times that ive liked a girl and been too nervous to tell her and nothing
happens until like years later it will come up in conversation, jokingly, and you
find out that they had feelings too...it would have helped if i would have said
something too...hindsight is always 20/20... but i keep hearing girls say that all
these guys are wasting the girls time playing games, when its the girls that are playing
the games..they say they dont need a bf or that they need bf, but never give most guys
the light of day. sometimes i wish i would have told some girls how i felt about them
but i dont think it would have made a differnce because im just the regular guy

i like being that regular guy that doesnt have a job, still lives at home, plays
videogames all day, and works out almost regularly.
i listen to random ass music and do weird shit.
i love watching movies like my life depended on it
i stay up way later than i should for no apparent reason other than staying up late
i want to be a writer, yet i havent written a single thing or read any books
i have no goal in life
i have nerd friends and i have asshole friends
im the laziest person ever
i dont like going places, unless i have a really good reason
i have the craziest thoughts that might scare most people
i have let so many people just walk out of my life
i am not even tall
i have a hard time talking to pretty girls
i dont play games with people
i am smart, but also very stupid at the same time
im just a regular guy

i dont ask for much, but when i do it means something
all i want is a pretty girl in my life, we dont have to be lovers, she doesnt have to be my gf
she could be my friend...i dont like being alone and as long as i have someone with me
i dont have to worry about being alone. i spend most of my day thinking about all
the stuff i wish i could do with my gf, drive around for hours, just sit and talk until
we had nothing left to say, watch movies all day in sweats because we are too lazy to get
dressed, try to cook her something that doesnt taste like shit, just walk around holding
hands like idiots, cuddle until we fell asleep, kiss under the stars, just be happy
that the other is right next to them.
i dont ask for much.

another year older, another year wiser

my birthday came and went just like they all have before
i find myself in this weird spot now because im 20 and lets be honest
thats like this weirdest age to be, ever!
you are no longer a teenager and you arent old enough to legally drink yet
i mean whoevers smart ass idea it was to make 21 the legal drinking age must
be a little out of their minds
aside from all that nonsense it was a pretty fun birthday
by no way did even compare to last years, but it was still fun non the less
everyone told me happy birthday and i was genuinely happy
these past few days have been great, i havent really done much but i feel
humble in a sort of way...im certain that this will pass soon and ill be back
to my old self worrying about shit that doesnt matter and doing things i shouldnt be doing
but for right now i can say that i like it
as for the wiser part, i dont think ive gotten any smarter than i was a week ago, but i did
realize that its not about how smart you are that makes you wise...its about what you do with
that knowledge.. for instance i was teaching my younger cousin the finer points of how to hold
a glass bottle because he was trying to tell me the way i was doing it was wrong
dumbass isnt even a teenager, what little he knows about what is about to befall him!
anyways i think that im going to start making better use of my wisdom by telling people
what i have learned so far rather than trying to achieve the highest wisdom there is..
that is not to say that i will not try to learn from those that have more to teach

the only thing i hope is that this year brings a better time than the last because
although last year was fun, to say the least, i dont think i can have another one of those years any
time soon....