FUCK IT

the all too often phrase that i use for all my problems
it has worked for me for a while now, but im starting to see that to take that approach i cant make everyone happy
i dont like letting people down, but at the same time i cant let myself down
fuck it has been my go to phrase and now i have to stop all that
i actually need to start giving a fuck because i know soon that i will have to go off on my own with no one to stand behind me saying i got you
i think the hardest part of growing up is doing it alone because thats the only way to do it
i knew that i always had friends that i could depend on,but it seems like everyone is moving on with their lives and leaving me behind...looks like its about time to catch up and act my age

im lost and i think i like it

for once in my life i know that i have no idea what i want to do and i can accept it
i know that i usually dont do anything and like it, but now i know that im not doing anything and that there is nothing wrong with it
as of right now i really dont have a social life anymore which would have bothered me like a year ago, but now i only mind a little
id rather be doing something to better my situation than just off doing nothing most of the time
granted there are times when i wish i could just go off and have fun with friends

on the topic of friends: i know i have been quite relentless in calling them all fake and everything but i just thought of something
it isnt their fault that we dont communicate anymore
we are all changing and i didnt fit into their lives anymore and i think i can accept that now
i myself have done some growing up since last summer and i hope that i continue to mature because im liking myself a little more each day
hopefully i will be able to improve my situation soon because where im at right now isnt ideal but it suffices for now
i want to be able to afford luxuries when it is convenient for me and not when my parents can give me the money
i had gotten a second chance to turn my life around and im taking more advantage of it than i was the first time around
ill still make dumb choices but thats part of the learning experiences(lets hope these ones dont cost me as much in the end)

as of right now

ive always been an educated person and possibly even clever.
now that i think about it though ive never really been a smart person
i mean smart in the sense that i make the right decisions or choices.
i always do something to mess things up for myself whether that be on purpose or for some untold reason
im happy with my life but sometimes i wish it were better, now i know that everyone wishes their lives were better
im not talking about being rich, famous, or any combination of the two
i just want things to be a little more clear. give me a little direction
im not asking for a lot and i can possibly find this somewhere if i actually try to look
well the best thing i can do for myself i guess would be to keep looking for something to do with my life because right now i dont have an answer
i have an idea, but that will only get me so far
i need a push into the right direction
its so much harder to do when all the motivation in your life has gone and its just you standing there all alone.
the first step is the hardest and i dont want to take it alone
i dont care if no one will be there to push me as long as i have someone there to walk beside me...

one day i will be complete, but until then someone will have to be there to pick me up and say its ok to keep pushing forward

its been a while

so i havent written on here in a while
i dont really have much to talk about since i havent been doing anything that exciting
i got my car running and that was pretty koo i guess
also i have been playing fallout new vegas alot and thats about it
since my summer started i have just been sitting around the house
summer school is gonna be interesting but oh well
hopefully things start to look up for me this summer...
until then have fun everyone.

enjoy your summer

THOR

so i just saw this movie at the midnight showing and i have to say that it was a rather good movie. there were some very good fight scenes and also a good back story of how thor came to be.
the one thing that i didnt quite like was how they showed the initial back story, but thats just preference
all in all its another good addition to the marvel franchise and it follows the avenger path as well leading right from IRONMAN 2.
i would highly recommend seeing this movie if you like some action and a pretty good movie. the effects were really good as well

as a side note stan lee's cameo was a pretty good one this time. not to say that some of his others arent quite as subtle as this

fuck you

so lately i have noticed that i cant rely on anyone for anything...im not just talking about like hey let me help you, im talking about everything
for example i have so much info that i dont really want to have but i cant tell it to anyone and you know how hard it is to keep a secret...especially if you are me?
it feels like im slowing going insane while everyone watches but care little enough to say something.
also i hate when people bring up stupid shit that was in the past and try to embarrass me with it...i already lived it so it cant be that bad
following that i HATE when people make little remarks about me crashing cars...its like yea i get it that i have been in more accidents than the average person but fuck you! it doesnt piss me off as much as it just gets way too old!

so i know that i gained weight and everyone seems to think that it bothers me a considerable amount but it actually doesnt. yea sure i want to lose it but its not like im going to die if i dont
so please all those people that enjoy talking shit to me, its not going to work cause nothing you can say will affect me...so save your breathe please
there is only one person that i can tell anything to in confidence and he is in another country...so if you think i can trust you that much im sorry

life goes on and i really dont care if you are going to walk it with me or not, just get the fuck out of my way
there are little things i care for in this world and if you dont want to be one of them by all means be my guest...just dont expect me to care about you after
as for women in my life..i can say in honesty you only love someone once and after that its never the same. it was fun

people make a big deal about too many little things in their life when they should be enjoying it...i really wish i had some close friends right now, but i guess im just not giving myself that luxury.....

i think i figured something out

so i was thinking today but i was rudely interrupted but non the less the idea stuck in my head
i believe this may be a key to something or it may already be common knowledge, either way i figured it out for myself
I WANT SEX, BUT IM LOOKING FOR LOVE
i mean i dont think its too hard to explain but i didnt have time to think this over in my head before writing this
so im basically saying that i want to keep having sex but that doesnt mean i wont stop my pursuit of love..but on the other hand it doesnt mean everyone i have sex with im in love with.
this might not make any sense or it might make all the sense in the world...idk
all i do know is that my mind works in strange ways and ill just let it do its thing to rationalize everything that i do
but other than that i also realized that i can actually be inspired to write something.
today i felt some sort of inspiration and i have no idea what triggered it.
all i know is that i wanted to write and just be happy
so im just gonna keep at it and hopefully ill be inspired again soon :)