The Wonder Years

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees,
I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficently. Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute
Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an
outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I one single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army
ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in
my yard I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, i repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I dont
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet i recieve fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer i toured New
Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstaion. I bat .44. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children
trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadily accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still
had time to refubish an entire dinning room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
preformed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when i do sleep, I
sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, i successfully negotiated with a
group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The law of physics do not
apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let of steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I
discovered the meaning of life but I forgot to write it down. I have made
extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions
in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. I have
preformed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.