it seems inevitable that i would be stuck back into my head wondering the great mysteries that make up my simple life.
what should i be doing with my time? why is it that i fall in love with every girl that smiles at me?(yes that last one is a movie quote)
i find no comfort in the company i keep, for they are just a facade for me to hide my true feelings behind.
very few know my true feelings and even they know nothing of the darkness that clouds my mind.
i always put on a smile and a clever phrase to make it seem as though im carefree and whatever about my affairs.
truth is that im really just a shitty person who lacks any real value to anyone other than directing
their aggression towards and to make a quick joke.
ive gone through life so far filled with ideas from movies and tv shows that havent really helped me any.
for example, ive always played the nice guy who tells girls that he is an asshole, this was supposed to make me seem
better than all those other guys out there.
i realize that this sounds very stupid but for the longest time i believed it myself.
i thought that since i played the nice guy that girls should be drawn to me and that i was the catch that they should
be trying to be with.
to my utter dismay, i realize that im pretty much useless as a boyfriend.
other than the fact that i am average looking, i can pick good movies to watch and i can make her laugh. im really not
any better than any other guy, probably less. now it seems harsh, but i see now that i dont really bring anything to the table.
im pretty selfish, i dont know how to care for others needs, im not a caring person, if its not interesting to me i could give
2 shits about it, being with someone is all ive ever wanted but i dont know what that means, im not willing to comprimise on almost anything, im way too picky, im lazy as fuck, even if a pretty girl did show interest in me i would have no clue what to do(as far as starting a conversation that didnt end with me thinking i love this girl), and im way more awkward than most people give me credit for.
there is a short list of things that show im a shitty person.
now that is not to say that i dont want or cant get a girlfriend.
i would gladly and can totally get a girlfriend, but if i were being completely honest with myself it would end like all my
other relationships. me being bitter or non caring towards the girl becuase there was no real deep emotional connection,
not for lack of trying on her part, but simply because i can bring myself to open up about my true feelings to anyone.
not even those reading here.
now getting back to my original point, being stuck in my own head has made me realize some of my faults and that i need
to do something soon to start correcting them, otherwise ill be the biggest dumbass i know.
anyone who has spent time with me know that i can make up an excuse for everything no matter the situation.
im usually very good at convining other, becuase im so good at convinving myself.
i have this urge to want everything but do nothing to forward my progress towards it and get frustrated at my poistion in life becuase of it. i cant sit idly by anymore while all my friends take steps in their lives for better or worse.
at least they have the courage to do something for themselves.
ive always been scared to make the big sacrafices if it meant i could lose something ive grown so accustomed to.
im saying this now because im ready to make a move forward soon to change my way of life so that not only will i be
forced to be a better person, but break free from the stupid childish ways ive been living.
ive always had a safety net under me and i never let myself forget it.
i need to take off the training wheels and suck it up.
im going to stumble and fall hard, but that is a lesson i need to learn for myself because everyone can tell
you something, unless you see it for yourself, it will never become a part of you.
again i ramble on about my problems on the internet instead of taking action. at least now, someone can hold me accountable
